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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Attack Control Girl Last Myself Night Save
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Ask Birth Boy Control One Poster Year
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Cheat Good Goodness Kid Look Me Wife
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Another Come Day Girl Home Nobody Over Phone
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Frink Last Much Olive Sample Time Too
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

All Life Pick Pocket Sex
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Fed Me Mother Shot Sing So Ugly Use
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Happy Met Twenty Wife Year
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Come Door Life Met Negligee Night Other Sexy Unfortunately
My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Ben Big Clock Country Cousin Find Gay
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Everyone Fruit Laugh Loom Met Morning Underwear
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Back Car Drive Want Wife
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Crazy Opinion Psychiatrist Said Second
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Around Came Carry Father Picture Wallet
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Fight Full Hope Man Reform Seventy Still Twenty Want
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Bartender Beat God Make Me Ugly Yeah Zombie

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