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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Get Honest No Politician Respect Run
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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