I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD