I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDOne year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD