I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD