I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






