I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD