My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD