My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
Life is just a bowl of pits.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD