My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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