I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD