I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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