I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD