I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD