W. C. Fields Quotes

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.