W. C. Fields Quotes

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I never eat before breakfast.