Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.