To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER