You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER