A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER






