A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER