You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER






