My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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