Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER






