My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER