His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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self-pity is better than none.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER