I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER