I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER






