I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER






