My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER