If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER