The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER