I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER