My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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