The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER