Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER