I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER