His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER