Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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self-pity is better than none.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER






