It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER






