There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER