When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER