We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER