My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER