My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER






