His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER