The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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