Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER