I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER