Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER