Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER






