You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER






