Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER