I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER