I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER