I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER