My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER