I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER