… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER