The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER