The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER