I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER