My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER






