To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER