I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER