By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER