The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER