I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER