The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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