If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER