Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






