Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER






