You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER