You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER