There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER