I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER