You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER






