Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER