Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER