You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER






