This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER