Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER






