I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER