A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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