If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER