The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER