The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER