Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER