Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER