Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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