Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER