My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER






