Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERI don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER