Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER






