This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER