I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER