A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER