Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER