There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER