The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER