I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER