Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER






