Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLERThey just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER






