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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Common Day Husband Married Only Same Thing
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Attack Country Dog Even Hear Ible Lisp Mail One People Person Piddle
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Hate Mingle Moher Once Orphanage Told Took
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Also Career Felt Husband Marriage Mix Work
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Football never Olay Outfit Public Reason Same Wear Women
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Best Eat Getmrid Kitchen Odor Out Way
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Do Life Practice Work Yourself
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Afford All Children Move Them Thing Want
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Before Enough Fiance Get Marry Meet Officer Parent Parole

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