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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER

All Mother Working
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Children Divorce Father Get Now Outside Remember
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Christmas Everybody Forgotten Past Present Remember Time Want
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Ago Ask Fresh Grass Hour Lady Milk Said Three Waiter
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bottle Kiss Play Quater Spin Want
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Age Back Do Go More Than
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beauty Day Fourteen Give never Plan Ten Up Year
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bd Commemorate Cook Country Kid Person Thanksgiving Through
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER

Hate Mingle Moher Once Orphanage Told Took
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bed Fight Go never Stay Up
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Do Life Practice Work Yourself
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beauty Came Constant Country Hit Last Mouth Once People Person
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Finish Half Hour Last Minute
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Age Beaty Eyesight Fade Like Look Marry May Own
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Before Enough Fiance Get Marry Meet Officer Parent Parole

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