I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERThey just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER