I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER






