It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER