If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER