You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER






