I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER