My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER