I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
NORM MACDONALDIn math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
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I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
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It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
NORM MACDONALD






