A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG






