If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG