A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG






