When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG