When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERG