I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG