I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG






