Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG