I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG