My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG