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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Mitch Hedberg

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Comedian Food Funny
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Lonely Myself Play
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Laughter
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Greatness Humor Yourself
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Friendship Funny Humor
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dream Hate Sleep
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG

Photograph Young Yourself
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Watches
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Way
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dog Funny Humor
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG

Brother Funny Humor
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor People
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG

Cancer Funny Humor

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

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