I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Better laid than never.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERS