Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS