I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSI was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERS -
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERS -
With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERS -
Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS -
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS -
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
JOAN RIVERS -
If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS -
Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERS -
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS