Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERSHere’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS