Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERSHere’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS