On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERSLife is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS