Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERSAt my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERS