Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERSAt my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS