“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

I must take issue with the term ‘a mere child’, for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Scientists – the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

My favorite animal is steak.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.