“When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.”

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.