When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS