You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPSI used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPSDon’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPSAll the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPSNew York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPSMy classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPSI think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPSOne man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSI lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPSI got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSOnce I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS