My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPSSome mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS