People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS