My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPS






