You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPS