The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS






