I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS