The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS