I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS






