New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS






