I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS