One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS






