My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS