Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS