The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS