I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPS