My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS