I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS