I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS