I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
-
-
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPS -
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS -
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS -
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS -
You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPS -
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
EMO PHILIPS -
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS -
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS -
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS -
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPS -
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS -
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS -
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS