My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPS