The more you know the less the better.
BILLY CONNOLLYI was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLY