I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEYThe reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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This shed does not contain me.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEY







