If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KINGWe set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
More Alan King Quotes
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
ALAN KING -
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
ALAN KING -
As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
ALAN KING