If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KINGYou do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
More Alan King Quotes
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
ALAN KING