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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.

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Better Father Parent

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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
ALAN KING

Any Believe More Nobody Trust
It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Anyone Food Friendship Imagine Interest Last Like More Someone
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Ability Audience Comedy Identity never Say Son Story Tell
Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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Better Eat Much Other People Sex Some Special Talent Take Than Way
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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Atom Think Expense Great Humor Someone Something
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Modesty One Virtue
My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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Coverage Fire Frown Kind Lawyer Problem Theft
An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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Always Big Consider End Failure Line Old Socialist Unionist
Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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Bank Banker Chain Come Down Friend Image New Pen
I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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Give Interview Know Poor Start Until
Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Ball Everything Matzoh Mother Sank
That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Great New Older Thing Year
I was a high school throw-out.
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High Out School Throw
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Brother College Cut Him Member Nail Physician Surgeon Youngest
My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Ate Clean Good House Kept Mother

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