If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KINGAs a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
More Alan King Quotes
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
ALAN KING -
Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
ALAN KING -
Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
ALAN KING -
My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
ALAN KING -
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KING






