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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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