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All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.

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All Funny Humor Middle Nothing Really Want

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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
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I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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Heo Methadone Monetary Organisation Welfare
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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Base Funny Include Kind King Revise Sex Sexual Sexy
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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Dad Dollar Funny Humor Knowledge Raise Share Sister
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. .
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
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Advertize Bejeeezus Commercial Out Pie Seen Yogurt
If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
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There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
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I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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I’d be at someone’s house or be up on the roof all day and I’d get lonely – stir crazy – and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life.
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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
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People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’
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Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
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Bag Creative Name Sleep Sleeping Speaking

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