There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
ADAM CAROLLAPeople look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
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It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
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All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much
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I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
ADAM CAROLLA