I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
ADAM CAROLLAIf in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
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Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
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The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
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So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
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I am not a good cue card reader.
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Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.
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We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
ADAM CAROLLA