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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.

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Asian Colege Fudge Funny Growing Up Humor People Thirteen

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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance.
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I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
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Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn’t break it down piece by piece, stage by stage.
ADAM CAROLLA

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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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Annoyed Feel Like Time Travel Traveler
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they’re so suggestible.
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Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.
ADAM CAROLLA

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If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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Blue Collar Doofus Guy Valley
Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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Telling them to stop isn’t going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.
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The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.
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Add Cab Car Knowing Shuttle Town Travel
When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.
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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.
ADAM CAROLLA

Asian Colege Fudge Funny Growing Up Humor People Thirteen
I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
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. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.
ADAM CAROLLA

Best Bless Country Dancing Floor God Man Star Win Woman Wooden
I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
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Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
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I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.
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The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.
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Best Build Drive Gift Impossible Seem Stuff Yourself
That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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Fouth July Like Underpants
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
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Equal Everything Footing Hate Publicist Rid Thinking

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